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That nagging Deja-Vu feeling in the depths of my stomach

15 Oct

I have a very strong intuition – one that is almost always right. Usually, when my intuition presents me with that nagging, grinding feeling in the deepest depths of stomach, I know I should listen as it means something is up.

It doesn’t matter how often someone tells me “that there is nothing wrong”. If that nagging, uncomfortable feeling is there, it is just a matter of waiting until that very same person who convinced me everything was okay comes clean (my intuition more often than not revolves around emotions in relation to people – loved ones mainly). Although I have never been executed (duh!), I imagine that waiting for ‘the fatal moment’ feels a bit like this. You know something is coming, and you know what is coming, but you have no idea when and how, or how much it is gonna hurt and what’s gonna happen next.

That is how today feels.

There is something you should know about me. I don’t open up quickly to people who have seriously hurt me in the past. It takes time to heal, think, digest, and slowly move towards a place in which I feel comfortable enough to allow that particular person to come close to me again.

It has nothing to do with forgiveness. Often, I have forgiven that person a long time ago. It is not that. It is all about self-preservation.

This (rather slow) process of letting someone who has seriously damaged my soul and trust in my heart – whether it is a friend, family member of significant other – mainly has to do with the fear of ending up being hurt again (and a few other things, too).

However, the most painful risk about allowing something close once again is not being hurt again. Some leopards do change their spots. The risk is that they respond to your (huge) step in the way you anticipated.

It has happened to me various times. For months a person chases you to make amends. Then, almost from the moment you give in and open your heart it is business as usual. Look, I do not expect that person to kiss the ground I walk on until eternity. I however do expect increased levels of warmth, appreciation, kindness and happiness that “they have got you back”. You know, getting the feeling that they appreciate the difficult step you have just made. Trying to make you feel safe.

Maybe I am expecting too much of people, who knows.

Anyway, I am currently finding myself in exact this situation – again. I opened up a few weeks ago to someone who spent months trying to make amends for a Major Fuck Up De Luxe Supreme Edition.

The response was not what I expected. I expected more warmth, more loveliness, more appreciation, more safety, more inclusiveness. Instead, it seems I am now have to be the person who has to make amends for being so difficult (which I was, in all fairness).

The result? I am withdrawing and that nagging, grinding feeling in my stomach is back once again. I can feel how invisible ands are building walls around me, in an attempt to protect me. Because my intuition, has hardly ever failed me …

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