I seriously hope this week will end better than it started. Feeling seriously under the emotional weather at the moment, and it sucks ass. I have gazillions of deadlines waiting to be slain, but I can’t seem to get myself to do the job. Fuck.
First of all, I am having some serious difficulties adjusting to the fact that Significant Other and I are on separate continents again. I thought I had gotten to this scenario by now, but hey – I guess I was wrong. So much gets lost in translation when you are miles apart, despite all the forms of technolog, and you (well, me) face the risk of misinterpreting each other’s messages. Which leads to arguments / feeling of insecurity / rubbing each up other the wrong way / etc.
Not cool. I know he is stressed with / at work, and sometimes this results in him not being able to be present as much as I would like to. It is just difficult not to have all the pieces of information, because even with Skype and BBM lots gets lost in translation. Then, sometimes, a little voice wonders whether he has actually given up, and wants to stay in Australia without wanting to tell me. Why? Because something has changed in the air, and I can’t pinpoint what.
Then I am not sure how long I can do this freelancing business. Chasing news, chasing stories, chasing payment, chasing clients … waiting for payment, waiting for clients to respond, waiting for feedback …. It is really getting to me today.
And then there is the omnipresent fear of clients ditching your ass or not paying you for the work you’ve done. Last year, I did a job for a large South African NGO. It involved co-writing a book. They have postponed first half of the payment until Feb 3 while their writers (me included) were supposed to get the first payment in December last year. It is the last thing I need at the moment, as my Australia trip pretty much chewed up my budget for this month … Australia is expensive, especially if you live off rands. The average glass of wine in a bar or restaurant (and we are talking the cheapest shit on the list) sets you back R70 easily.
So yeah, I need that money and I need it now – especially because other clients have “forgotten” to pay me last month.
I seriously hate this part of freelancing. I know there are many advantages, but Jeepers …. At least with a fulltime job you know when the paycheck comes usually).
Of course the fact my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer has been a bit of a bitch too. And that is an understatement. Luckily it seems all could have been much worse: they have removed the entire tumour, the cancer has not spread and she won’t be needing chemo / hormone treatment (“just” 21 radiation sessions). Nevertheless this whole cancer thing has put a lot of things in but also out of perspective.